But for you weirdos and for my future self, I feel the need to chronicle this while I still can.
I want to make it in Hollywood. But sometimes I doubt myself. Maybe it's a good thing to have that. To always have something inside me to question if I'm doing something I truly want. I don't know. But today, many of those feelings seemed to bring themselves forth. Earlier, I did my best to write down what I feel/felt:
"What do I have to say? What should I say? I guess I should start with how I feel. I feel overwhelmed. Confused. Yet I feel like in the back of my mind, I understand everything. Even the things I don’t know yet. And it scares me. It scares me because I know the roads of an unwritten map. It scares me to know the person I must become to enter this world. It scares me to know that I am far away from achieving a goal that I, quite frankly, don’t know if I want. But it’s the only goal I know. The idea of changing into a totally different person scares me. The idea of doing all this just to survive scares me. I know that there are so many better and easier ways to make a living in this world. Somehow, they all seem foreign to me. They are doors to a future I refuse to imagine. The only future I can imagine for myself is a hard one. Why? This thing might kill me! Is it because I know I can do well in it? Is it because it’s the only future that has been really taught to me? Is it because I am both a sadist and masochist? Or is it because it’s the only world I know of where I can grow and be the kind of man I want to be? A simple answer can save me from this mind-scraping torture. Is it weird that I don’t want one? Yet?
I need to write down what I do know. I know that I am smart. I know that I have great foresight and problem solving abilities. I know that I can be great. Great in every sense imaginable. What I need to figure out is: Is that what I want and is it worth the effort?
Jeez. Good luck bro.
