Jeez

I doubt anyone reads this anymore. I hope not. It'd just be creepy if you've been checking for so long.

But for you weirdos and for my future self, I feel the need to chronicle this while I still can.

I want to make it in Hollywood. But sometimes I doubt myself. Maybe it's a good thing to have that. To always have something inside me to question if I'm doing something I truly want. I don't know. But today, many of those feelings seemed to bring themselves forth. Earlier, I did my best to write down what I feel/felt:

"What do I have to say? What should I say? I guess I should start with how I feel. I feel overwhelmed. Confused. Yet I feel like in the back of my mind, I understand everything. Even the things I don’t know yet. And it scares me. It scares me because I know the roads of an unwritten map. It scares me to know the person I must become to enter this world. It scares me to know that I am far away from achieving a goal that I, quite frankly, don’t know if I want. But it’s the only goal I know. The idea of changing into a totally different person scares me. The idea of doing all this just to survive scares me. I know that there are so many better and easier ways to make a living in this world. Somehow, they all seem foreign to me. They are doors to a future I refuse to imagine. The only future I can imagine for myself is a hard one. Why? This thing might kill me! Is it because I know I can do well in it? Is it because it’s the only future that has been really taught to me? Is it because I am both a sadist and masochist? Or is it because it’s the only world I know of where I can grow and be the kind of man I want to be? A simple answer can save me from this mind-scraping torture. Is it weird that I don’t want one? Yet?

I need to write down what I do know. I know that I am smart. I know that I have great foresight and problem solving abilities. I know that I can be great. Great in every sense imaginable. What I need to figure out is: Is that what I want and is it worth the effort?

I need to answer this and stick with it as soon as possible."

Jeez. Good luck bro.

Soul in Seattle

This past week I went on a road trip with friends Ryo Shiina and Anthony Ma to Seattle for a Film Festival. The trip was such a blessing. It was just what I needed to regain my composure in life. There is Something about Seattle that encourages people to relax and enjoy life. It really calmed my soul. However, my favorite part of the trip was when I encountered a bit of racism on the ride back from Seattle. I won't describe the incident but I will say that it re awoken my will to fight for myself and to fight to be vocal. For months, I've felt that I haven't been myself. I'm happy to say that I've found my soul again. Who knew it was in Seattle?

Let's Get Retarded

Time is a tricky thing. It's one thing in my life that is consistently inconsistent. Time has the ability to slow down. For weeks at a time, there will be empty boring lulls in my life. Times where I question if I'm even moving forward if not at all. But then there are days where time decides to sprint past you. Days where you feel out of breath from trying to keep up. There are days that are so unpredictable, that you can't help but be swept up in the powerful current of time.

Today was one of those days. I experienced the whole gamut of emotions. Even though I feel regret and sorrow at the end of this day, I can't help but feel alive. Life teaches you weird lessons during the weirdest times. I guess days where you do dumb things are still better than days where you do nothing.

Why I Need Weekends: To Stop Banging Your Mom

I promised myself to come up with cheerful things to write about but I can't seem to think of any. It's not that my life is sad and falling apart. No. Far from it. I just feel like I'm still going through the motions of organizing and figuring out the bearings of my life. I realize I live a bit of a double life. I am a very different person at CSUN; especially the way I am around people. The quality of people here are different. Not better. Not worse. Just different. Wit is something that is rarely practiced by students at CSUN and it is even scarcer for someone to notice and appreciate it. My vocabulary becomes very stunted whenever I'm trying to be funny at school. Basically, I do a lot of racist jokes and find clever ways to segue a conversation into telling someone I banged his/her mom.

Example:
Me: Knock Knock.
Someone: Who's there?
Me: I fucked your mom in the butt.

I'm fine with that. I'm not proud but I'm fine with it. I get to indulge in something I really missed out at high school. But what I really hate is when I bring that mentality back home during the weekends. I feel really weird constantly calling my mom a homie.

But that's why I love the weekends. It gives my mind time to remember and distinguish that there is another Stephen in me. I get a chance to take a breath, step back and look at my life as a whole. Come Sunday, I'll be fresh and ready to go back into the trenches again.

If you're judging me, I'm not faking a presonalty to gain the approval of others. I'm still the same person. But I'm just adapting to the situation in order to socialize more. I'm too much of an introvert as it is. If I stay the same in CSUN, I won't have anyone to talk to at all. And I'm not fine with that. My personality needs to socialize once in a while. Those nights spent carving out the insides of your mom don't count as socializing.(please notice the wit)

2010!!

I apologize to my friends and to myself for not writing sooner. I guess I've been hibernating in my hyperbaric chamber throughout the Winter. But I think that winter break was just what I needed to clear my head out of this funk that I've been in. Now I'm back and ready to smash skulls with my nut sack.

Much has happened since that last time I wrote. The thing I want to mention first is that I've begun writing again(obviously.) This is very important to me. I've always labeled people as either creators or spectators. I have been a spectator for a little longer than I would have liked.

On to the fun stuff.

Remember the entry when I got caught with gay porn on my computer?(Please read it if you haven't. You need to know the story before reading on) The girl that had sat behind me in that class is now in my anthropology class again. After avoiding her gaze for weeks, she finally talked to me in class a week ago. Here is our paraphrased conversation:

Her: Hey! Weren't you in my sex and gender roles' class last semester?

Me: That really boring one right? I never thought anyone could make sex be so boring!

Both of us: *awkward laughter*

Me: Yeah, I just sat in the back watching movies on my laptop.

Her: Yeah.....I think I saw one of those.....

Me:............

Her:..........

Me: *awkward laughter*

Her: * awkward laugher*

I have not talked to that bitch since.

Happy Thanksgiving. Fuck You MIchael Bay.

Thanksgiving holiday was exactly the rest I needed before finals. It is the second biggest friends/family reunion weekend of the year next to Christmas. I made great memories this weekend and I'm very thankful for that.

One thing I've been wanting to talk about is Michael Bay. He is a fucker. He, much like Brittany Spears, is a person who should not be famous. I'm trying to make it into Hollywood and it is very discouraging to see an idiot who has been twice nominated for Worst Director be paid millions for cranking out shit quality films. Don't get me wrong, he's technically sound and knows his stuff. That's what pisses me off even more. When a person who has all the necessary qualities to make a great movie still gets praise for putting shit on the screen, I lose my fucking mind. I know many of you are asking, "How do we stop this? How do we stop this fucker from directing another movie and raping the eyes of many unsuspecting viewers?" Easy. We hunt him down, castrate him, and put him in jail. Yes? Who's in?

A Breath of Fresh Air

This weekend was by far one of the most enjoyable ones I've had in a long time. Since I started school at CSUN, I've been having problems being myself. At CSUN, I had turned into an awkward depressed hermit for a while. I was very afraid that I was so used to being this person that I wouldn't remember how to be myself anymore. This fear was reinforced when I came back home during the weekends the same weird person I was in school.

Thank God for good friends. After spending the weekend surrounded by friends, I was finally myself again. I could feel the nervousness and self consciousness leave me. Thank you to all the friends that helped me find myself again. I'm confident now that no matter who I turn into, the real Stephen will always be waiting inside ready to be used like an emergency jet pack.